A closer look
Times Square during the New Year's Eve ball drop requires attendees to stand in freezing, barricaded pens for up to twelve hours with absolutely zero access to public restrooms; as a direct result of this logistical nightmare, a significant portion of the cheering crowd on television is secretly wearing adult diapers under their winter coats, proving that the ultimate symbol of global celebration is actually just a million desperate people slowly losing their dignity and contemplating a puddle-related disaster while waiting for a shiny sphere to slide down a giant metal pole
