Digital rectal massage was scientifically proven in a legitimate peer-reviewed medical paper to be a highly effective emergency treatment for curing intractable hiccups.

A closer look

Digital rectal massage was scientifically proven in a legitimate peer-reviewed medical paper to be a highly effective emergency treatment for curing intractable hiccups. When a patient suffers from violent, uncontrollable spasms of the diaphragm for days on end, a doctor can manually stimulate the vagus nerve in the anal canal to instantly reset the reflex arc. Someone genuinely went to a highly expensive medical school, got their shiny medical degree, and eventually discovered that the ultimate cure for a severely annoying respiratory glitch is a literal finger up the backside. It strongly implies that your central nervous system prioritizes the sudden, unexpected invasion of your lower exit over whatever muscular confusion is happening in your chest. Next time you get the hiccups at a dinner party, just know there is a medically sanctioned nuclear option available if holding your breath totally fails