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Public school assignments use complex matching algorithms
Economy

Public school assignments use complex matching algorithms

Your child's entire future is currently being decided by highly dense computational mathematics. Deferred acceptance mechanisms heavily optimize civic student…

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Erbium ions actively amplify optical signals in glass
Science

Erbium ions actively amplify optical signals in glass

Data traveling through immense subterranean glass cables naturally degrades over long distances, but erbium swoops in to violently refresh the signal. Erbium…

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Feces color drastically shifts based on bile processing
Health

Feces color drastically shifts based on bile processing

Your bathroom bowl acts as a brutal mood ring for your gastrointestinal speed. If material moves too fast, the green digestive bile never breaks down,…

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Bumble requires women to message first to avoid creeps
Technology

Bumble requires women to message first to avoid creeps

A dating app cleverly disguised as an empowerment tool, which fundamentally exists because men on the internet have zero restraint. By shifting the initial…

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Seven popes moved the papacy to France
History

Seven popes moved the papacy to France

For nearly seventy years, the Vatican wasn't actually in the Vatican. Due to extreme political chaos in Rome, the entire papal court packed their bags and…

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Why renters often pay landlords' property taxes
Economy

Why renters often pay landlords' property taxes

Landlords are remarkably gifted at forwarding the local government's mail directly to you. Tax incidence proves that the legal entity writing the civic check…

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Why your belly-button lint is often blue
Health

Why your belly-button lint is often blue

Science actually spent grant money investigating the fluff trapped in your stomach crater. A widespread study confirmed that due to the average microscopic…

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Vanadium exists in four distinct oxidation states
Science

Vanadium exists in four distinct oxidation states

Vanadium simply refuses to settle on a single chemical personality. In an acidic solution, it can comfortably shift through four entirely different, perfectly…

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The metal that changes shape near a magnet
Science

The metal that changes shape near a magnet

Terbium undergoes a bizarre phenomenon known as magnetostriction. Whenever it is introduced to a strong magnetic presence, its atomic lattice physically warps…

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The eagle cry in Assassin's Creed isn't an eagle
Technology

The eagle cry in Assassin's Creed isn't an eagle

The majestic shriek you hear whenever leaping from a gothic cathedral into a suspiciously soft pile of hay is a complete biological lie. Real eagles sound…

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Billy Ray Cyrus wrote his hit to buy a house
Culture & entertainment

Billy Ray Cyrus wrote his hit to buy a house

Nothing screams artistic integrity like writing a mullet-anthem just to secure a mortgage. The country star completely embraced his ridiculous catchy tune…

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Skydivers use a tiny parachute to open the big one
Transport

Skydivers use a tiny parachute to open the big one

Because manually yanking a giant bedsheet out of a backpack while falling at terminal velocity is a highly flawed idea. You toss out a cute little pilot…

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The bullseye isn't darts' highest score
Science

The bullseye isn't darts' highest score

Hollywood lied to you. Hitting the dead center of the board is entirely unimpressive to a professional. The inner bullseye is only worth fifty points, whereas…

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Prostate fluid accounts for thirty percent of total semen
Health

Prostate fluid accounts for thirty percent of total semen

Sperm get all the credit, but they are just passengers in a bizarre biological cocktail. Nearly a third of the fluid produced is generated by the prostate to…

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The actor who mastered Kratos's grunt
Technology

The actor who mastered Kratos's grunt

Playing a hyper-masculine Spartan deity adjusting to fatherhood requires a very specific emotional range. The lead voice actor spent an absurd amount of time…

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Yahoo Messenger's wild west chatrooms
Technology

Yahoo Messenger's wild west chatrooms

Before heavily moderated forums and strict community guidelines, you could drop into an unmonitored text room filled entirely with strangers, bots, and…

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The tax that killed Britain's powdered wigs
History

The tax that killed Britain's powdered wigs

If you wanted your giant wig to smell passably clean, the government needed its cut. In 1795, an act was passed requiring anyone using hair powder to pay a…

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Why Internet Explorer 6 haunted web designers
Technology

Why Internet Explorer 6 haunted web designers

It is the zombie browser that simply refused to stay dead. Because countless corporate systems were rigidly built around its quirky flaws, designers spent…

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