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Gordon Freeman never says a word
Games

Gordon Freeman never says a word

The most pivotal theoretical physicist in the universe manages to organize resistance movements, destroy interdimensional empires, and inspire legions of…

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How Combine soldiers enforce order with littering
Games

How Combine soldiers enforce order with littering

The heavily armed forces of an interdimensional empire exert their dominance through incredibly petty littering. Armored guards deliberately knock empty soda…

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Why Skyrim giants can launch you into the sky
Games

Why Skyrim giants can launch you into the sky

Wandering too close to a mammoth camp rewards you with a complimentary flight into orbit. One swing from an oversized club applies such absurd kinetic energy…

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Joker casually dates his high school homeroom teacher
Games

Joker casually dates his high school homeroom teacher

Saving Tokyo from corrupt adults somehow involves pursuing highly questionable romantic endeavors. A teenage phantom thief can actively fund his teacher's…

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Fallout's Dogmeat can survive a direct mini-nuke hit
Games

Fallout's Dogmeat can survive a direct mini-nuke hit

Navigating a nuclear wasteland is dangerous for everyone except a specific canine companion. This miraculous German Shepherd can take a direct hit from a…

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Why Night City's nomads reach for tank-busting weapons
Games

Why Night City's nomads reach for tank-busting weapons

The heavily armed desert clans outside Night City do not negotiate with massive conglomerates. When faced with minor logistical issues or kidnapped friends,…

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Why BioShock's Little Sisters collect genetic material
Games

Why BioShock's Little Sisters collect genetic material

Building an underwater utopia apparently requires turning little girls into biological recycling bins. The terrifying children wandering the decaying city are…

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The game where you pave an alien world
Games

The game where you pave an alien world

Crashing on an untouched alien planet sparks a deep desire to construct massive industrial complexes. The sole survivor completely ignores the local…

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Asari diplomats reproduce using purely mental gymnastics
Games

Asari diplomats reproduce using purely mental gymnastics

The galaxy's most elegant blue aliens do not require standard biological compatibility to procreate. They simply link their nervous systems to literally any…

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The prince who took a scenic detour to reclaim his throne
Games

The prince who took a scenic detour to reclaim his throne

When an empire violently falls and a prince must reclaim his stolen throne, urgency is completely ignored. The exiled monarch spends his entire journey…

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Freddy Fazbear’s animatronics leak more than oil
Games

Freddy Fazbear’s animatronics leak more than oil

A popular family entertainment restaurant continues to operate despite its robotic mascots visibly leaking blood and mucus. Corporate management completely…

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Duke Nukem stops to pay dancers during an alien invasion
Games

Duke Nukem stops to pay dancers during an alien invasion

While an alien invasion literally decimates the planet, the world's most aggressive hero prioritizes his disposable income. He frequently stops his violent…

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Why Skyrim guards keep asking about your sweetroll
Games

Why Skyrim guards keep asking about your sweetroll

Law enforcement in the snowy province of Tamriel cares very little about your personal tragedies. If you approach an armed guard to report a crime, they are…

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In Stardew Valley, children can become doves
Games

In Stardew Valley, children can become doves

Raising a family in a peaceful valley comes with a terrifying supernatural return policy. If a farmer regrets having children, they can simply offer a magical…

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The apocalypse game where toddlers enter coal mines
Games

The apocalypse game where toddlers enter coal mines

When a catastrophic global winter threatens to extinguish humanity, morality is the first thing tossed into the furnace. Desperate leaders enthusiastically…

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Garrus Vakarian abandons friends to calibrate big guns
Games

Garrus Vakarian abandons friends to calibrate big guns

The most loyal turian sniper in the galaxy suffers from a crippling obsession with weapon maintenance. No matter what interstellar crisis is currently…

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One video game hero spends hours yelling “Jason”
Games

One video game hero spends hours yelling “Jason”

A grieving father navigating a tense psychological thriller often finds his greatest weapon is his vocal cords. Roaming through crowded malls, he aggressively…

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The horrifying curse tied to a love of dung
Games

The horrifying curse tied to a love of dung

One of the most horrific fates imaginable in this ruined kingdom is being defiled by a man obsessed with dung. He actively murders people just to infect their…

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